U-Turns Are Allowed

Friday, May 20, 2016
Slay Magazine

Everyone’s definition of the word ‘truth’ seems to differ. Webster states that “truth is that which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.” That seems untrue to me, because every individual seems to create their own reality. I would say that I’m one of them.

I consider myself to be an example to women, especially young girls. I am the person that most people confide in and look to for advice, especially dealing with personal matters and relationships. While I do not take that responsibility lightly, I often wonder how I am able to give advice and remain in a state of unrest regarding my own relationships, or lack thereof.

I think that none of us purposely ignore our naked truths, but we have made a practice of dealing with our mistakes before we deal with the history that likely caused the mistakes. We look up, with more years behind us than ahead, and wonder how we got here.

Recently, after deciding that I am ready to be married, I am discovering that I am unable to shoot the middle finger to the men in my life without shooting it in the mirror first. After spending an entire weekend just assessing the collateral damage, pinpointing my wants and needs vs. what I accept, and questioning my own motives, I was left with a cutting board filled with regret and self-abuse. I couldn’t place the blame on anyone but myself.

I realized that the majority of the times that I have had sex, I really didn’t want to. I did it because I felt like my partner would otherwise leave. Now let me be clear: I’m not talking about being promiscuous. I am speaking about situations where I was dating someone on a serious level. The truth as I now see it, however, is that I was doing it for the wrong reasons, regardless.This could’ve stemmed from the lack of a father figure in the home to show and guide me, or being molested as a young girl. That’s the history; the promiscuity is the mistake. I have prided myself in keeping my number of partners to a minimum thinking that would keep me from being classified as a ‘thot’ and reduce my sin to a level still worthy of repentance.

This is the danger of creating your own reality.

Now that I have begun to identify some harsh truths, I must now make a U-TURN. Your situation may not be the same, but I must encourage you to take some time to get to the root of the things that have been keeping you bound. Gratefully, I am taking the time to do my work, so that when I make the decision to get into another relationship, I will do so from a place of confidence. To wake up and have lived your life for someone else without ever being true to YOU is death. Not physically, but definitely spiritually.

By: April Earls


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